“I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.”

― Haim G. Ginott, Teacher and Child: A Book for Parents and Teachers

So, a few things have happened since my last post:

• The year changed. It’s 2019 and has been for about 3 months. Wasn’t it just the year 2000? Wasn’t it just the 1990’s? Where did the time go? (How old did that just make me sound…)
• I officially turned 40 (and I have been 40 for a whole month as of today – that just hit me as I’m writing this post by the way). I have still not totally taken hold of this fact. I will explain more later.
• I have realized that I have much more control over the things going on in my life than I think I have been willing to accept…

Don’t get me wrong, I recognize that ‘unforeseen occurrences befall us all,’ and there’s no way to know what will happen or do anything about them. Overall though, from day to day, I make choices that determine the trajectory of my day, my life. I determine my reaction, I choose my response, I decide which road to take, which people and things to leave behind, and which influences I allow to direct me in those choices. Relative (not absolute) free will (I mean we’re all influenced by something (religion, spirituality, other people, laws, commercials…) whether we admit it or not) –  this is a simple, obvious truth that many of us know, but rarely take deeply to heart. I’ve been taking it to heart. My frightening conclusion: I’ve got to do better.

I know, I know… that’s not such a big deal, we all need to do better. It’s a big deal. We often move through our lives, knowing what we need to do and going with the flow. We make decisions for sure, but they all become part of the regular routine until something big happens (marriage, birth, learning, death, moving) and we have to step outside of the comfort zone, the daily grind.

Well, something big happened to me. I turned 40. I really didn’t think that it would be that big a thing, but about a week before I hit the big age, I started feeling sad. This was unexpected. I couldn’t get myself going for a few days and just sat and watched Netflix and thought about a lot of things. I did not initially attribute this malaise to turning 40, but finally realized the root when I got to the big day. I got to middle age, 40 years in to this life that I have been given, and I am not the person that I would like to be on any level – and it’s my fault.

I’m really not trying to be dramatic. I just have work to do. I accept that. I’m still a work in progress in every sense of the phrase and will be until there is nothing else to learn (and to learning – about ourselves, others, life, love… – there is no end).

There is more to say, but this marks the end of my musings for this first post of 2019. I will be posting more this year as I get motivated and try to motivate others.